Oh man my stache folks. I just got done shooting my new movie, "Surprise of the Stache Cowboys III: Spur of the Moment." Which stars my two good friends and fellow superstar actors Patrick Swayze and Pamela Anderson. I don't want to spoil it but let's just say my stache and Pat's hair get into a lil tango. I'm currently smoking a cuban cigar and sipping some crystal (not my style but Pam got it for me and I can't turn down that super babe), while getting my stache painted by the reknowned Enrico Donati that will go up in the foyer of my luxurious italian villa that overlooks the mediterranean.
Finally, I am starting up a contest for all my fans. You all have 3 months to grow the most lofty stache you are capable of. After the time is up, take a picture of it and send it to my fanclub HQ and I will go through them all. The first one to inspire me to write a poem about my entire life wins a weekend with me in my extravagantly opulent 250ft luxury yacht where we will travel from the Atlantic all the was to the Pacific while I offer my wisdom of the stache and all it's intricacies.

Good luck to all my fans,
-- keep your stache dreams near to your heart --

--Tom Selleck